Ramblings of jumbled rambles!

I don’t dwell on my past, but I admit to my past.  My past has brought me where I am today and that’s it.  I don’t put blame on any past experiences, but only onto myself in the now. 

People judge so might as well let people know where I came from so maybe they will judge a bit more accurately.  Say all you want and the more negative you are the farther I will keep my distance.  I try to always stay positive and keep away the negative in everything.  Even tough situations can be solved by being positive.  Even delivering a negative result can be done in a positive way.  But I can write about the now… at a later time.

This is my life.  Youngest in my family and I will capture moments in my past that I remember and that I don’t remember.  I know very little to nothing about my early childhood.  Skye (my daughter of 6yrs old has asked me many times about her when she was younger and I told her)  But for me… I don’t know much.  I think I don’t want to know much. 

I think the earliest memory was in kindergarten when I brought two jolly ranchers for two of my friends and I got busted because they were playing with the candy in their mouth.  I remember I got in trouble because I didn’t bring enough candy for everyone.  I also remember they had a bathroom in the classroom and sometimes I would be in there forever.

Another memory I had which may have been earlier or in the same time frame was my sister was watching tv laying on the couch and I was trying to open a ring pop.  I remember grabbing the bag part and flipping it back and forth and it flew out of the bag and hit my sister in her nose.  She started crying, which made me start crying and she kept on trying to tell me it’s ok, but I wouldn’t stop because she was still crying.

From what I understood around 2nd grade is when the extent of my moms mental illness took control.  And much of my life I couldn’t tell if it happened in nearly any grade. 

My mom used to be a teacher, but her problems started rising at an early age.  The cause is not truly known today.  My dad thinks it was some type of abuse in the family.  He told me a story of when they were young and she was driving down the block.  And then suddenly she turned into a young teenager type mind frame and was swerving and hitting car after car down the block and laughing about it all.  And my dad never told anyone that’s what happened.  They didn’t have the money to fix a bunch of cars she hit.  He didn’t think too much at the time about it, but later in life he saw it as a sign.  He also told me if he knew what he would have gotten into back then he would have just walked away.  nice!

My dad worked real estate and was pretty good at it, but to be successful you had to have long days working.  I vaguely remember his office he worked at.  My mom ended up in the topeka mental hospital.  I don’t know when and how long.  I remember being told that my dad had to stop taking all of us because it was too hard on us to have to leave.  My mom didn’t like being there from the stories either.  She hitchhiked along with a young guy back to wichita.  To which my dad was called that she escaped and he had to bring her back. 

I do remember in second grade a girl named Juliette stole some candy from the teachers desk to give to me.  Probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!  But what did I know about liking each other type of thing.  I was so oblivious to the outside world. 

My family didn’t feel anything like a family.  More like individuals living in the same house.  When my mom wasn’t in some type of hospital she was bed ridden.  I don’t remember her ever getting up!  I would play in her room under her bed.  And I would play in my room with my 100 stuffed animals.  I had a ton of them.  I also remember stealing a pack of gum and I hid it under my moms bed and my mom tried to ask what that noise was.  I never admitted to stealing it.  I wanted it!  And it was mine!  my precious! 

I was always quiet and I began to see everything.  I remember an argument my parents got into and my dad told my mom to take the full bottle of advil pills and sure enough she put them all in her mouth and was willing to swallow them, but my dad made her spit them out.  She’s been suicidal before with a few attempts.  I remember the advil episode because those advil were the coated ones that were a reddish brown and even had a bit of sweet flavor.  And then the bottle had ones that the coating were gone from my mom sticking them all in her mouth.  Nothing like a good reminder of your mom willing to take a bottle of pills. 

I remember another argument not what it was about, but my dad was making dinner and I was in the kitchen.  He was peeling potatoes and the left sink was full of water and he threw the potato right down in the water and I watched the water splash up reaching for the ceiling as he left and he took a long walk to cool down. 

I remember being in therapy and even at such a young age how useless it was.  It was mostly just play with this or that.  But then again I’m glad I wasn’t put on any pills… I would have been pissed and still pissed to this day.  I’m very anti pill of nearly anything.  I take the occasional allergy pill to stop my nose from endlessly dripping.  And that’s after I read up on why my body does that.  Maybe another day I will expand.  (and yes I added this in after almost finishing wayyy down on the bottom.  Extra thought I figure I will toss in.)

It’s great that my memories are the negative ones. 

I remember 5th grade I played Sax.  I remember me and Marcos played a solo ode to joy during our recital.  But did I continue to play sax after 5th grade?  Nope… no dad pawned it and lost it.  He was known for pawning everything.  Money was always tight.  The one good memory I have is that I loved pickles!  The hamburger ones the most!  And some days I wouldn’t feel great and I wanted a jar of pickles and so my dad would scrounge up some change just to get me a jar of pickles.  So I’m not trying to bring out that my family is horrible people, just a lot of problems hit us growing up. 

I don’t know when this exactly happened, but two IRS agents showed up at the door and told my dad he owed them $100,000 and he passed out.  He talked to them about his situation and I know the house went up for auction, but a neighbor took it over and my dad paid him “rent” to get it back.  I remember one argument between that neighbor and the neighbor went and got a for sale sign and nailed it to tree, which after that happened my dad tore it off.  That tree is long gone now, but I bet the nails would have still been there today. Another action I witnessed. 

I had a best friend that lived by me just diagonal from our yards.  We had four feet of fence connecting our yards and he would always jump the fence and we would play.  Lots of great times.  Biking to the wichita mall when it had the arcade.. and getting trouble because we got back after it was dark.  I’m still friends with him today.  Some road bumps growing up, but we both have offspring and if he moves back to town we will have to hang out again! 

I remember 6th grade asking a girl out in the wacky shack at joyland… smooth I know right?  But the gal then recanted her yes shortly aftewards… And I think that was the only girl I ever asked out by words from my mouth even to this day! 

I remember another instance (I have tons of instances involving the female gender)  It was well before I could drive.  I don’t remember who the girl was or why I was at her house.  I was a clueless boy.  She asked if I liked the light off or on… I said I didn’t care… Then she put her hand on my pants right on my crotch and said if that bothered me and I said nope… but that was it.  I was so clueless about what the moment was trying to pan out to be.  (Can I go back in time and handle that different?)

I remember a girl named Rose.  She lived close because I biked there a few times.  I remember her saying she should go out with me vs my brother.  It’s my nice nature!  But no nothing happened. 

I believe it was sixth grade give or take a grade that I had my best bday party ever.  I invited kids from school and we went to Watson park to do the things there.  They used to have the wizard of OZ characters made from trees and a buddy named Jason put some gum in the butlers mouth and stuck a cigarrette butt in it.  And his hand was out so he also was given a cup to hold.  It was funny stuff.  One of the adults kept getting on our case.  And then we came back to my house and had a huge water fight.  Water balloons, water guns, to just a bucket full of water.  But that’s the only bday party I remember of inviting friends.  There was one other time in high school where I had a surprise bday party at Denny’s.  And then one not too long ago that I wasn’t feeling my best, but it went south a bit.  Maybe the lack of memorable bday parties has me anti party or even having others know when my bday is.  It’s the one yearly event that your fb friends actually talk to you… and I believed it was simply because FB told them to.  And so last year I hid my bday info and one person wrote on my wall and I believe another had a bday app.  Which is fine because I have a very hard time even knowing the exact date of my families bdays.  I also don’t give out bday greetings either.  If I’m going to give out a greeting I’m also going to give out other words outside the bday time frame.  (end bday rant completely out of place in this post)

Time to wrap up pt 1.  Just two more happenings I will share.

This happening was the biggest negative impact on my life.  I blogged about it in detail on here so just scroll for the longest post apart from this one.  It was my time at summer camp when I was too young to work there, but I could do something called CIT or counselor in training.  It wasn’t much of training, but just shadowing others.  Our tents were in a separate area vs the staff tents.  We ate in the mess hall with the rest, but no one paid much attention to us… but I had someone pay much attention to me.  It was just like a Law and Order SVU episode I saw on how the guy used the same method to lure me in.  And when SVU says about people not reporting the instances is right on as well.  I never told anyone about it for years.  My parents don’t know and I will not tell them.  It’s just not something that they can’t really handle or need to hear.  I remember after that night of “stuff” happened how the guy kept on wanting another “session”  He was nearly begging at times.  One face I will never forget.  But all that happened there I did go back the next year to work and get paid.  That guy was long gone.  This happening affected me a lot!  It still has it’s long term damage done.  I grew up always with the group of female friends.  I usually never hung out with the guys.  All men became uncomfortable to me.  Even this day I’m still leery of the male gender.  Any kind of contact was hard to do.  Even hugging my good friends I completely trust can give that hesitant feeling.  Bottom line is guys can’t be trusted.  Most creepers out there are men.  And in part 2 I will share my proof of actual creeper experiences.  One that has happened within the past year or two. 

My final ending to pt 1.

I remember my last day of 8th grade… I went to school with a hangover.  oh… I went to private catholic school.  Anyone try to tote that private catholic schools only harbor good well behaved kids… think again. 

Well I just finished the “Game of thrones” book so I’m guessing my dream has been similar to that theme. 

My daughter and my dad were in it, but not very detailed/important. 

I remember having camp set up in the woods.  I just put on a ton of eggs to cook in the big cast iron type pan when some raiders were coming.  I had someone with me and I grabbed them to start running.  But since the chaos was pursuing I managed to flip the eggs over they were scrambled before hand I guess and since I didn’t have time to tend to them properly they got a bit burnt and expanded since I didn’t get to toss them and such.  So they were about two inches thick.  I flipped them and grabbed the pan to run back to camp.  Upon entering the camp I guess it was like my dad, but not completely since the guy wasn’t as heavy as my dad.  And he had a wand and it shot orbs of something at the raiders, but I knew the wands power was useless.  But it scared the raiders off.  I was saying we needed to get going!  now!  But then I was told that the wand is powerful, but the current spell needs to run out and a new one could be put back on it.  And I was just caught in the moment and thought to myself… “Oh” 
Now life at the camp resumes… Eggs are done and on the table.  And I was trying to find the four big biscuits I made… And my dad ate three of them and the fourth was about gone.  I said I made four biscuits and then I woke up.

Challenges seem to exist to do one thing… Improve yourself!  Yes I very much want to say to bog you down!  To cause troubles!  Even the small things! 

My current situation I’m living at my dads house.  Reasons began as selfish reasons.  With an ever growing little girl and my future career I need more space then what my little house offers.  There was talk of switching houses, which wasn’t a bad idea.  But the idea came up that I’d move in to this house and my dad would just move out in the future to a smaller place.  Literally he needs one room!  The time before I moved in he maybe was in the living room once or twice the full year.  The sewer line collapsed and I had many times where he would come to my house (since both houses are close) or my moms place to use the bathroom.  At the time it seemed a great idea to move in and help fix up the place.  I had the idea to sell my home and wipe out my debt with the sell.  But my house didn’t sell and it would have had to go lower than my dad wanted it to.  If my renter ever does move out I will sell it on my own and at a price that it will sell at.  It’s a very comfy home, but I need to free up my debts so I can start my next move.  Literally.

Moving in to this house I have racked up more debt buying a nice microwave, dishwasher, new toilet, bathroom sink, floor for the kitchen and bathroom and the new sewer line.  This place is a money sink!  It needs another $20k work!  That’s a price of just supplies and doing it on our own.  My dream of getting a bigger house with more ease has gone out the window.  And my new dream of actually buying a house on my own has been started. 

The little things.  Skye doesn’t like it here because it feels old.  And it is falling apart and needs refreshed with everything.  I’m investing in as little as possible from now on.  I bought some paint for the outside even though the siding is old and rotting in spots, but it was $25 and that will help get the inspector off our backs.  Not the best color, but I don’t really care at this moment.  Then it’s the extra stuff that builds up.  My dad is getting old, but he’s also very bad at getting much done when it comes to the house.  He does the dishes and that’s pretty much it.  He can watch three netflix movies back to back on watch instantly.  Many times I have to tell him to turn it down since Skye is getting to bed.  Just recently a trip to the nifty nut house ended up in plenty of goodies.. and Skye’s pistachio bag she got where she had maybe fifteen pistachios tops is completely gone and the bag and all the shells are by the computer.  I know many people would say I need to hide them, but really should I have to?  I shouldn’t. 

The little things add up though and become bigger issues.  But I said today that it started late, but it’s going to be awesome and it is!  Why?  because I am in control!  I have a huge goal set out before me.  Wanting to move by next year is a big step and much has to be accomplished and you betcha I’m going to work my tail off to do so!  That means I’ve set a goal of two months of heavy practicing at home with my welding so I can go to companies and be proud that I could do well for them or at least start slow and learn quickly.  Then that gives me a solid six months of getting funds in order and to find out my affordable range as well. 

My point is hardships come at you and you have the power to lead them in the way of your choosing.  You can let them destroy you or you can say I’m going to kick your ass!  If it takes months to do so I will still succeed! 

Hopefully this time next year I will be hosting a movie night or some other event from my own home.  That is tidy and all happy. 

Since I’m on a roll of remember some of my dreaming and I’ve been up for over two hours! 

It started in a big city.  There were carriage rides.  Some how I missed getting on the one the rest of my family got on.  There was no line at all.  I got on a carriage, but it was no ordinary carriage!  It held a lot more people and it was pulled by many horses.  The drivers were these tough looking ladies all bundled up like they were pulled from Russia.  And we are off!  But what become unusual… is we didn’t have a nice stroll on some paved road, but we then were on a track.  At first it was like a train track.  Yeah the horses just weren’t seen now, but it was shifted to look to the side of you for the sights.  There was a river next to us that had a blue that you see on some secluded island.  Then the track almost ended up like a roller coaster track for it went up hills and even tilted a bit and was amazing that we didn’t fall over!  Still viewing the river it was coming to an end and there were these habitat huts made out of stone.  Bit like domes that had openings in them.  One was huge, which was farther in the water.  The driver exclaimed “I just love those!  They are for turtles!”  (i like turtles)  And then at the end of the river or well more like a cove it had a bunch of the small huts, but then it suddenly become zoo exhibits and it was the NYC central park zoo.  Then we ended back in the city and the line was hundreds of people long.  Of course when I get off I immediately found the rest of my family.  I saw Skye putting on these earbuds for some type of media device she had and I was like whoa how much are those since my dad was buying them and like he knows a good price for earbuds, but they were ten bucks so no big deal.  My brother was at this game.  It had a bunch of cards to choose from.  It was I believe some lobster/crab fisherman and half the cards had one saying and the other half had the other saying.  Like crabman caught a lobster today or caught none something in the lines of that.  But after you picked a card you had to pick up the phone and hear the answer… I thought it was a pure gimmick and my dream ended…

To begin my week anew it seems time to reveal a life changing event that happened to me that I’ve told very few what happened, but never exactly what happened.  A story about youth… and how delicate and frail it is… that it’s you see something happening on tv and you say that doesn’t happen or why would you not speak up… But it does happen and about the exact way some shows portray.  I have a strong draw to Law and Order SVU:  Maybe it’s my comfort and that I’ve been in the shoes of a victim and how the criminals are portrayed can be accurate. 

Now my story….

Summer camp was one of the most exciting and fun things for me when I was younger… I didn’t grow up with having much… trips of about any sort were non existent, financial burdens… I could normally be found in my room playing with my one hundred stuffed animals… Back to summer camp… it was a lot of fun.  Getting to sleep out in a tent and just enjoy the outdoors take your merit badge classes, but mostly just roam and wander around.  A place where kids can be kids with little to no interruption… well except for throwing big rocks in the outside latrine making the hideous mess in the bottom splash up… we did get caught doing that…

Every summer I went to summer camp.  And to the point where I thought it would be much fun to work there.  The staff was always so goofy and fun.  But being so young… I couldn’t be allowed to work there… Can’t hire twelve year olds to work!  But they could go into a counselor in training program… called CIT… You would spend a week there shadowing the staff in a certain area. These people in training had their own tents in a separate grounds by the front of the entrance to the campgrounds.  The staff entrance was to the left a bit… and the troops staying camped down farther in the wooded areas.  And I don’t even know if there was any type of supervision for this area for the counselors in training…

Ask me what I did during this week and I can’t tell you just what happened… All I can remember is the bad.  I don’t know what I really did do in this training program, what area I was in… The staff had nicknames, which sure does come convenient in my story… I remember Shaggy… goofy scruffy guy that we thought was the coolest because he wrote on his drivers license with crayon… which was just on the outside, but what did we know?  Then there was Trucker… very nice fella that always wore a trucker hat… then I remember Elmo… I think his real name was Elmer… an old fella that ran the shotgun booth… and then he had a helper with him… named Ox… a guy that was strong… short hair… wore black framed glasses reminding me of Buddy Holly… And this is where the pain starts…

I don’t remember how everything exactly unfolded, but I will just tell what I remember.  I was befriended… I was shy, quiet, kept to myself.  the perfect target… He (Ox) took me under his wing and made sure I was taken care of.  So it was great… a friend there… I remember walking way down to the shotgun range.. it was just a single shotgun for safety and it didn’t have a crowd like over at the rifle range.  I don’t think it even had more than a one on one type deal.  Ox was the helper and when Elmo and the kid were shooting there was nothing for Ox to do.  I remember going to visit and sitting next to him… And this is where his manipulation really began.  I remember him asking me about if I ever got an erection by just rubbing up against something even by accident how it can just happen… I don’t think I gave much of answer… what kind of question is that for a kid that knows pretty much nothing about sexuality… He told me about it being easy to get one by even brushing your hand over your pants… and he had me look down at his… And I don’t remember anything after that… most likely didn’t know what to think, but didn’t act out upon this… after all he was my friend right?  Flash to law and order… one episode a pedo made a room be decked out in kids gear… made it really cool and fun… but then would show them porn… and the kid would be interviewed and say yeah it was weird, but…. Same thing… He gained my trust… gave me comfort…

And it was getting time to go to the next step…. The staff camp had a giant huge army tent… it had a pool table, couches, and a big tv to watch movies… Only staff was allowed to be in there… but I was allowed to go in… it was late and I believe it was just Trucker, Ox, and I.  And we just watched a movie… Trucker fell asleep and Ox made his move…. It all started with a massage… get me comfortable… relaxed… feeling everything was just fine… He kept asking or saying to me it feels good doesn’t it?  Well before going further Ox asked Trucker to go ahead and leave to go to bed and we are just going to finish the movie up… And this is where the fondling began… I remember both our pants being unzipped and male members were out… He told me let me show you what to do… I remember him putting his mouth on my member to show me how to do it… And then it was my turn… the turn that seemed to never end… is this what I wanted to do?  No, but what was I to do… a young kid… no power… someone that was ever so nice to me… a so called friend and protector… He began forcing my head up and down… my eyes were watering… I was choking… I finally had to say I couldn’t breathe in a plea… He let up and said I did good and he can finish up… And i have zero memory of what happened after that. 

The instance I believe was my last day there… also when my dads scout troop well also mine.. was arriving for their week stay… Ox entered my tent I was staying in and he wanted one more “session”  But I kept on saying nonstop that my dad is here and could stop in any time… Kept on saying I can’t… Trying my hardest to just say no… And nothing happened…

Ox never returned to work there again… I did become a counselor there for a few years… I never told anyone just what happened until years later and still didn’t reveal much what happened and never told the right people.  I think about six people know I was sexually abused.  So next time you say… how come that person never reported their rape or abuse, etc… until you fit in their shoes you will never understand why it’s not reported… One happening is all it takes to scar yourself… damage your self image… your worth… A happening that is never… never… proud to carry around… Scary… ultimate destruction of trust… You just don’t think about it… and that reporting it could have stopped more instances from happening… When your well being gets ripped to shit you just don’t think about what to do… you just conceal what happened…. you hide it…. you hold it in… to have a life long battle of dealing with that event when it makes a revisit… A test of strength and will to be strong… to know it’s the past, but that the pain will always be a burden to carry…. A wound that does not heal….If I ever saw that guy again I really don’t know what I would do… if I didn’t have a daughter would I go as far as ridding him from this planet… I don’t have an answer and just hope I never see him again… and maybe he is already in jail spending the rest of his life there. 

My life:  this happening affected my life greatly and always will.  I to this day have a big uncomfortable time with males… I grew up having only two male friends and I had them before the instance happened… I don’t trust males, I don’t look at them the same as I do with females.  And no not all males, but yes most… I have to know you pretty well to gain my trust… And really prob about two males in my life I can fully trust… A side story about males… For a small amount of time I was a runaway… and I ran away with a girl… we lived in my car for a few days… of course no where to go we went to Linwood park to rest… sure enough there was a truck with a ratty creepy guy in it… being kids we thought we would pretend to fool around… and so we did… sure enough… the truck with the creepy guy pulled up right next to us and was trying to nod to the girl to keep on going and we hid ourselves and giggled and then I jumped to the front and drove off… So next time you go to a park… see how many men you find sitting in their vehicle vs women.  What I’m being too judgmental?  oh let me keep on going… Chisolm Creek park…. kept on getting reports of happenings in the bathrooms there… I actually liked going there to walk in the wooded areas and even off the path… until one happening a year or two back… What a surprise guys alone sitting in their vehicles… I was heading into the unpaved area of the park… I actually ran into a herd of deer in there so I liked to try and find them again… but this time I was the one being followed… I’m going on the path that no one goes on… It has a few different paths that branch out so first I thought no big deal, but this guy followed every single turn I made… and now I’m getting nervous… and I knew my path was becoming less of a path and pretty much turns into deer made paths… so I stopped… to see what this guy would do… I did size him up and he was tall and skinny and not very agile looking and this boy can run in the woods if needed.  And I said there is a deer path that way and I turned around and went on a different path heading back… he turned around and went on a different path himself this time… And so I kept my distance and he went out to the little parking area and left… I saw him arrive and he left right after following me… Now tell me he wasn’t there to try and get something from someone?  I no longer go on the less walked trails there… I stay on the main trail with open space, but I’m still weary when on them and always looking back and forth… Even worse when I see sole guys sitting in the vehicle looking out at people… I heard a car door once and I just went as far away as I could so I couldn’t be found and ended up at the nature center when I was parked at the oliver side… This is what I live with.  At the playground with my daughter I’m watching… my kid is always in site and I try to put the other kids with their parents and just try to keep my eye open everywhere…

What else has this happening caused… Sometimes it seems I draw myself to get into some type of big trouble and I allow it to happen to only feel great shame and remorse so I can be hard as I can be on myself… I’m down to about once a year I do something completely stupid that pisses me off and just ruins the next day or two… And I’m ready for it to be none… almost made it this year… heh… I’m still a person where no is not much in my vocabulary even if it means putting me in a bad situation… I just have to learn to become more powerful or do what is easier and set myself apart from those situations that I will need to say no. 

What do I do?  Maintain a will to never give up… no matter how much shit is thrown in my face I will just wipe it off and carry on.  I do live every day happy as I can be.  I encompass good in my life and take in the endless good that is available.  But I also don’t hide emotions.  If I’m not have a good day like today as I write this I’m not going to hide that emotion.  It does not do any good in hiding and it does not help get rid of it very easily.  Only by accepting the emotion allows for easier recover of such emotion. 

I’m strong… I’m happy… and I will never give up maintaining my strength and happiness!